A question, so many of us ask God sometime in our life when things do not turn out the way we plan or if something bad happens to you… A question, I asked God a few times in my life. A question which started my journey of Hope, Faith and Love…….
My life was close to perfect, I got my dream job as a commercial attorney, I lived the city life, which I dreamt about all my life, I married an amazing husband and we just bought our first house. And soon we found out that I was expecting our first child. We were over the moon with joy, life couldn’t get better…….
Because of my fairly A+ personality and always striving to perfection, it was not difficult for me to be the perfect “pregnant fairy”… I dedicated myself to do everything according to the book, I will make sure that my child will be perfect, but soon I would realise, this is something no one can control…only God knows…
At 20 weeks pregnant, everything changed with a phone call from my sister…..my precious Dad suddenly passed away. I was devastated. It can’t be, not now. Why me Lord, why now? My Dad was so excited about my pregnancy and especially because we were expecting a boy, the son he never had. To loose someone you love so deeply, is a pain you cannot describe to anyone. The worst day of my life. At that moment my whole life got turned upside down. Being pregnant, I could not take any medication like tranquilisers or sleeping pills to help me cope. I had to work through all of my emotions, pain and sorrow on my own, which was not a bad thing, but believe me, it was tough, but I managed to get through. I had to for the sake of my son.
On 8 August 2007, I gave birth to the most beautiful baby boy, with pitch black hair, big eyes and the cutest little face you can imagine. And yes, he was perfect. We were so thankful that God protected him, if it wasn’t for me having a c-section, he would not have been here today. The umbilical cord had a knot in the middle and was strangled around his neck twice. I knew there and then, God had a plan for our boy’s life. He was also our little consolation prize, an angel sent straight out of heaven after losing my Dad. I was totally overwhelmed with God’s Grace and deeply in love with my little boy, Gian, my precious and gracious gift from God.
Being a mom, changed something deep within me. From that first moment I held him in my arms, I knew, I was blessed beyond words. Because of this little person, I am someone great, I am a mom. My life has a greater purpose now. From that moment when I looked into his eyes that special bond between us developed, a bond that no one could ever take away from me, and a love greater than I ever imagined.
Well, as all you mothers out there know, motherhood does not come with a manual…..It turned out this mom thing did not come naturally for me as all the books said it would be, it was challenging. Totally out of my comfort zone. Except for all the unconditional and unfailing love and tremendous joy, unfortunately the package also came with a lot of tears, sacrifices, guilt, anger, frustration, not knowing what to do, the hurt you feel when your child is hurt. Nothing could prepare me to what would lie ahead of me……
My journey as a mom, turned out to be quite a special one. My biggest fear of not having a perfect child, became a reality on 17 November 2011. After 2 and a half years of occupational therapy, speech therapy, specialists, MRI brain scans, giving up my career and a lot of speculation, my precious, loving boy with his big green eyes and beautiful smile was diagnosed with autism. The second worst day of my life. For a second time my life was turned upside down and again I asked the question…. Why me God, Why Gian?
For a whole weekend, I grieved. I didn’t cry, I wept. My heart was broken, I could not speak to anyone. What must I do, how must I handle it? What did I do wrong? At my lowest emotional state I got a message from a dear friend, her husband had a prophecy about Gian’s diagnosis. The Lord told him that He has a great plan for Gian’s life. He will not only be a leader leading people to Christ, he will run after them and turn them to God. He gave me the following script: Deuteronomy 30:19-20 The Message “Choose life so that you and your children will live. And love God your God, listening obedient to Him, firmly embracing him. Oh yes, He is life itself, a long life settled on the soil that God, your God, promised to give your ancestors Abraham, Isaac & Jacob”. From that moment I decided, no matter what, I will speak life over Gian every day. With Faith, we will tackle this journey wholeheartedly. With God, anything is possible.
Why me……. the same question Moses, Noah, Joshua, Jonah, David and the disciples also asked God, just like me. Why use me, a “not so natural” mom, to be a mom of an autistic boy. And what was God’s answer to all of them and to me: “I will be here with you”
I am fortunate that along my journey, I meet a lot of angels, I go through highs and I go through lows, I celebrate the small victories in Gian’s life and I embrace every second of our life. I look forward sharing all my stories of faith, hope and unconditional love as a special needs mom with you.
The Joy of the Lord is my strength!
My beautiful boy Gian